Stephen Ezekiel Foy

As I looked back on this site and determined I needed to write more posts, I had no idea what to title it. I also had no idea what to write about. That’s why I had used the daily writing prompt before to get the words flowing (and hopefully driving some authentic attention to my page) before. However, as I sit here and write this post, I do so with the harsh reality that my mother is no longer here with us on this Earth. Three weeks ago at this time, we were preparing to say goodbye as her health gradually declined after being intubated three days earlier. She was taken back to the hospital on Mother’s Day. Prior to that, she had spent almost three weeks there with Covid Pneumonia and beat that before returning to my sister’s house, where she had been previously. I had always seen posts from others who had tragically lost their mother and had DREADED even the thought of the possibility of that happening to my family. Now, as I sit here writing this is disbelief, I don’t know what to feel. Other than dreadful sadness and depression, I keep hoping that it isn’t real. It doesn’t feel like it’s real, yet I’m reminded over and over that, in fact, this is reality now. As a Christian, I have the assurance knowing where she is. She’s now in Heaven where she will no longer face the worries and horrors of this world. She is also no longer in suffering. But even as I say that, she wasn’t really suffering to begin with. At least, that’s what we thought. It all seemed to happen so fast, but we eventually learned that she was suffering with Pulmonary Fibrosis, a progressing lung condition that hardens the lungs over time. At least that’s what I know about it. My brother researched it and found out how serious it was. I have not had the courage to look it up as it will only painfully remind me of the last days my mom was alive. I know she is looking down on us with God, cheering us on and watching over us. God’s already sent some reminders to my siblings and I that she’s still with us in one way or another. Yellow butterflies, hummingbirds, Snoopy shirts on strangers (she LOVED Snoopy) at the most randomly perfect times, and the biggest shooting star I’ve ever seen are only a few winks from God we’ve seen. Things like that have kept my faith as strong as it can be in a situation like this. Knowing I WILL see her again keeps me going. Knowing I’ll see her and ALL my faithful loved ones again gives me hope. But, it also makes me jealous that their faith has now become sight. They have seen Jesus face to face and that alone turns my sadness and tears into bitersweet tears of joy.

Now, I question, what’s next?

Losing a mother isn’t only tough because they raised you and you have so many sweet memories with them. They guided you, they cherished you, and they stayed behind you even when you couldn’t move yourself. All I can do now is continue to surrender to God and His will. It WILL be done, no matter what. So, I look up and not only ask for Him to guide my steps, but to give me strength to even take them.

As an avid Christian rap listener, Ty Brasel is a great artist who released a track (and album) titled “Sweet Misery.” The song ends by saying “Sweet Misery, bittersweet misery, where do we go from here? Where do we go from here?” A valid question that brings me to the only answer I know. Go back to God. He never left, so I won’t either.

It reminds me that my Mom ALWAYS tagged her sentences with the phrase, “Lord willin’.” She knew that whatever plans she made, God was still in charge. He was the one who made it all happen.

So, as I, my siblings, and my family move forward in such a hard time, we recognize that the misery we face is sweet. Sweet for the hope we have to look forward to when it’s our time. Sweet that misery itself doesn’t last. Bitter in that the time we have between our meetings may seem long, but sweet in knowing it will pass quicker than we realize. Jesus is still king and He always will be. Thanks to Him, I could confidently tell Mom at her funeral, “See you later.” Thanks to Him, I’ll see Him again with Mom and all our loved ones in Christ. It won’t be too long, Lord willin’.